I read on wikipedia that some Dianic Wiccans do not even wish to be considered 'wiccan'. Some are known as 'Goddessians.' Some even prefer the term 'Dianic', but are not wiccan. To be honest, I'm considering switching my faiths. I still feel as a 'witch', I am still studying witchcraft, but I don't know if I'm interested in wicca, anymore, if that makes sense. I'm really confused. I just don't know if my views fall in the 'wiccan' category. I know lots of women who still believe in the Goddess and practice Her magick, but do not consider themselves wiccan. Only pagan. Perhaps I should do the same? I love The Goddess with ALL my heart, and I have a yearn for Her and Her protection, I just don't know if my views fit in anymore. I've kind of been mulling things over for the past few days. Is this normal? Has anyone had problems like this before? What should I do? I kind of feel that if people see it this way, they do not belong in Wicca anyway. I just don't know!!

Schoolwork is getting the best of me nowadays. I'm in the middle of a CLC (group study), and I'm a team leader, and I SWEAR I'm doing ALL of the damn work!! It's not fair. I'm beginning NOT to like this college thing very much. I've been messing up in school so much, I'm surprised I'm not failing. What is WRONG with me?? I just can't focus anymore. All I want to do is run out the door, and never come back. Also, I want to study my wicca. I don't want to study philosophy when my mind keeps slipping back to witchcraft/wicca/The Goddess/The God. I wish there was a way to specialize in college by doing wicca. LOL That would be awesome.

My family situation is very stressful, as well. My mom keeps offering to baby sit my niece when she KNOWS I have two 1500 word essays, and a presentation to work on.And WHO can concentrate on homework when an eight month old baby is SCREAMING in the background? If I get mad about it, it doesn't help. If I talk to Mom about it, it doesn't help. NOTHING helps. I don't know what to do, I'm on the verge of ripping my hair out. I'm trying to get a job just so I can get out of the house and get a little peace. I swear, my brother can't take care of his own kid. He runs to Mom EVERYDAY and gets her to baby sit. WTH. I'm beginning to feel as if I'm the one who has had a kid, just because I have to take care of the baby all the time. UUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I hate this.

Anyways, I'm just rambling. I wanted to do an update. :) I don't want to just forget my journal, or my friends. I hope everyone is doing great, please let me know!! :)
I love you guys, thank you for reading, and listening to my blurbs. LOL

This is so fantastic. I know that becoming wiccan again and coming back to my beloved friends was that ABSOLUTELY the 100% right thing to do, I felt it in my heart, my soul, my entire world. I am so happy. I have missed EVERYONE!! I love everybody, and I feel. . .right. I'm like a lost sheep without my faith. WHY did I ever get 'rid' of wicca? That was horrible. The Goddess (and The God, because I don't think it is right to exclude Him) were trying to tell me all along that I should come back, but I would not listen. Now I am wiser.
I think Ive changed, too. I'm happier. I feel at peace, at ease. :) I'm going to try to blog everyday, and if I don't, then. . .someone slap me. LOL

I love everyone, especially Amy and Brandy. :)

I've missed everyone. I've been MIA for SOOO long, it hurt. I hope I haven't offended anyone by not answering any of their messages, I've just been going through so much, it was hard to login online. I still love all of my friends that I have made, and I am hurting without talking to them. If anybody reads this, please know that I did not mean to just up and leave. My life has been so. . .confusing, anymore.

I love Brandy, Amy, Tink, and anybody else that I have talked to, and who has helped me in my path. Please come back, I miss you all. I know that I am not the most social person in the world, and I am truly sorry. From now on, I will be logging in almost every day, and checking up on LJ. If anyone wants to chat more, my e-mail address is AprilDMarlene@aol.com.
:)
Blessed Be.

I am so happy, I found the new interview in Las Vegas Weekly that was published about Ronnie. I am ecstatic, it feels like I am walking through clouds. God, I love him so much. It fills me with hope that he is happy and content, and has plans for when he gets out. He is getting clean, he is in a rehab program, he's actually being responsible for his drug addiction. Bless him!! I absolutely fell in love with him all over again. I have to admit, it's EXTREMELY nice to hear Ronnie's side of the story. It's nice to hear someone listening to him and understanding what he has to say, instead of calling him a killer and a junkie, insisting that he's good for nothing. That makes me SO fucking angry. I like Escape The Fate a lot, but it's not that great to see them being down on Ronnie (in fact all the damn fans are, as well) and then putting out pictures and interviews, expecting a lot of praise. In my opinion, real fans of the band wouldn't want one side of the band turning on another.
I don't know, I just relate more to Ronnie. So fucking screw me. It's hard to like ETF after all their drama. Another big difference is that ETF are always yelling at the fans or being extremely cold to them, saying pretty much 'fuck you' and whatnot. Ronnie is the opposite. He's extremely sorry for the things he has done to the fans in the past, and even said that it was his karma that came back to him and landed him in prison. He's working SO HARD at answering every single letter that the fans send him.

I don't know, it's just wonderful to see Ronnie living up to his potential and getting healthy. He's one step at a time working through his problems. Someday, when he gets stronger, I would love to see the band that he creates. :) I'm behind him all the way. I support him. I don't support his drug use or legal troubles, but I support him as a person because I believe he's a wonderful, intelligent guy. *HUGGLES*

I got into Grand Canyon University and I'm really happy, I'm really excited. I'm nervous about it though, because I know the workload will be EXTREME. Like Mom wisely told me, Bachelor's of Psychology is NO JOKE. What if I can't handle it? What if something happens and I fly off course? NO. I have to force myself to stop thinking like that, EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY. EVERYTHING must be PERFECT. I want this more than I have ever wanted anything before in my life. Now that I know I have the guts to so forth in my journey for a challenging career, let's see if I have the gull to keep going. I think that's the key here.
It's normal to be scared when you're first starting off in something new, and I really have an exact goal in mind. I WANT to make it to my masters, and then the PHD level. I know I can do this, I HAVE to. Why couldn't I, anyways? I want something higher for myself, I don't want the kind of education that has me stuck doing mediocre work in a gas station the rest of my lives. (BTW, I'm not trying to insult the people who actually DO work in stores, gas stations for a living, I realize that keeps food on the table. What I'm atually saying is I don't want to be stuck doing it when I could aim for something more.)

Anyways, I'm just kind of feeling a bit. . .small. Helpless, nervous. I suppose that's what's going on. I'm doing something big, so everything feels overwhelming at this point. Once I get into it I KNOW everything will be fine. :)

My birthday!! Yea!! I know I said before that I was dreading turning 20, but I don't think I am anymore. I'm ready for it. It's not such a bad thing. It's more like the beginning of a new stage, a new chapter, in my life. I don't want to be sad all the time everytime a new experience comes about. How can I ever live life that way? I miss out on everything. I was scared out of my wits when I turned 18 because I thought I was going to be thrown into unknown life that I wasn't ready for, but it wasn't so bad once I got there. I loved being 18. It was the best year. Hopefully 20 will be okay (although I don't want to jinx it by saying anything.)

A lot of good things have happened today. My sister made me a GORGEOUS booklet of poems and pictures. It took her forever to do!! I love it so much, I'm keeping it safe from harm. (cats, especially. They like to mess with my stuff.)My mom is going to make a really good cake with ice cream (urgh, fat and calories, lol) but I'm still looking forward to it. My brother called this morning and wished me a happy b-day. That meant a lot to me.
The only thing that could make this any better is if Josh, my half brother, would write or send flowers (as he did last year). I haven't heard from him yet.

Anyway, I feel happy right now. I love my life!!

I'm going to get my hair cut today!! Yea!!! I like sporty looking styles with bangs in the front. This one will have incredibly short bangs, with cut down edges. I need something that'll be convenient when I'm out running, but it still looks good at the same time. lol I can't wait to see how it turns out. I'm also dyeing my hair, as well. Purple!! Well, dark burgundy. But on my face it'll probably look the same. lololol I always get the kind with no ammonia so it won't crisp my hair. I had originally wanted it done in a salon, like Angela had hers done, but I decided not to trust strangers with my hair. It's easier to ask Mom to do it all for me because she listens better. Hairstylers always cut a little too much off. (They did with Angela, but it still looks fab.) Mom gets so nervous she follows instructions RIGIDLY. lololol
My hair is so damaged right now that I NEED to find something new to do with it. Plus, I'm inspired because my sister Angela had her hair done and it looks BEAUTIFUL. :)
I'm excited, I hope it all turns out okay. YEA!!! :)

I LOVE being a vegetarian, I LOVE the decision I made. No one can take it away from me, it's my choice and I'm committing to it for as long as it feels right. I think I'm going to transition to being a vegan pretty soon. It's weird, I heard on a diet site that not eating eggs (which along with meat has been cast out of my food choices) makes me a vegan?
Are eggs dairy? I know vegans don't eat ANY animal product, dairy included. Either way, it's fine with me.
I'm going to work on cutting out things like yogurts (and getting soy yogurts instead) and the dreaded MILK CHOCOLATE that haunts me everyday. lololol Milk is going to be a hard one to get rid of, because I need it so much. But it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.
Like I said, this is the best choice ever. For me, anyway. It might not be to other people, and that's fine. To each her own.
VEGETARIANS RULE!! lololol :)

I feel so. . .empty. Deadened. Weakened.My thoughts keep straying to "Why bother?" I feel flat. I asked for the truth and it came out, but now I'm left with shadows and unanswered questions. All I'm left with now is "What now?"
So what do I do? I can't go back. I can't pretend. The truth is the truth and I will never say anything else. But how can I go on in a gray, hollow world? I need relief. Any kind of relief. I search around and don't find any, no matter where I go. Still, I can't pretend.
I feel so. . .betrayed. All that was is lost. The only thing I had left in the world was ripped out, leaving nothing but a bloody wound. It's like someone tore my heart out while I was still awake.
Now what? I'm not sad. That's not my feeling. Just. . .empty. Unexcited. I can't leave my thoughts and opinions out of the situation, I'll lose myself if I do and I vowed never to let that happen. I need to know my own head.

JK Rowling talks about dementors in her Harry Potter books. Hollow, horrible hooded creatures that lurk in the darkest and foulest of places, feeding off the good of human emotion. Leaving the person feeling dead, expressionless, in a deep depression. Like they'll never be cheerful again. Little did she know that dementors actually exist.
They're not just make believe. They're just called by different names here in the real world. They're called loved ones.

That's all I have to say for now.